THOUGHTS and ACTIONS TO OVERCOME FEARS OF REJECTION
and INCREASE CHANCES FOR A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP
by Tom G. Stevens PhD
You Can Choose To Be Happy:
“Rise Above” Anxiety, Anger, and Depression

for more info go to his website at:http://www.csulb.edu

HAPPINESS RULE
Try following the happiness rule: Seek out people who can contribute most to your overall happiness and support your being the person you want to be. Many of these people will be similar to the type of person you really want to be. Avoid spending too much time with people who take away from being that kind of person.

SELF-SELECTING RULE
Follow the self-selecting rule: Be the person you really want AND tell others your true inner feelings and thoughts more assertively. Even though you may fear that others may not like who you really are and reject you, that is good. Being open separates those people who are “right” for closer relationships from those who are not. For example, if you meet Sally (who is not potentially a close friend) and hide who you really are from her, it may take her a long time to find out what you are really like and reject you. In this case you have both wasted a lot of time. If you present yourself honestly and openly from the beginning, you will attract or repel people much faster. This saves a lot of time.

Incidentally, a bonus of this approach is that most people prefer honesty and the self-love and self-confidence that openness reveals, so you may be more appealing to more people.

GIVING WITHOUT EXPECTING ANYTHING IN RETURN
Focus on your actions not their reactions. An important lesson about anxiety is that when we focus on external outcomes that are beyond our immediate control, we give up control of our emotions and will begin to feel anxious and helpless. The same is true in meeting people, approaching people, talking to people, trying to help people, trying to entertain people, etc. If you focus on their evaluation or approval of you, spending time with you, giving back to you, or any other reaction outside your control, you increase your anxiety and helplessness.

Therefore, focus on approaching people, being friendly, your talking and listening, your openness and honesty, your assertiveness, and your thinking positive thoughts. You can control what you think and do. The result will be that you are setting attainable goals that you have control over. Knowing that can give you peace.

In the long run, you may not want invest much energy in a relationship if you do not receive enough of what you want. However, in the short run, focus on your actions as ends in themselves to “practice your act” and be the kind of person in a relationship that you want to be. Eventually others will respond positively as you get better at it and as you approach the right people.

Also, say this to yourself, “My gift recipients have the freedom to do whatever they want with my gifts (my attention, help, etc.)–since it is now theirs.” It is OK for them to reject the gifts and you can still feel good because you gave in the spirit of true unconditional, non-demanding love.

INVITATIONS AS GIFTS
Do you ever feel anxiety about inviting someone to do something with you? If so, try viewing your invitation as a gift in the spirit just discussed above. It is a gift in two ways: (1) it is a compliment to the other person that you care enough about them and find them attractive enough to give the invitation and (2) your time is a gift which is offered to them. Thus even if they reject the offer to spend time together, they still have received the gift of the compliment. Accordingly, start stating your invitations more as compliments.” EXAMPLE: “Mark, I’ve really enjoyed talking with you, I would really like for us to get together again soon.” This is a very effective and efficient way to give an invitation.

ASSERTION TRAINING
Learn the difference between non-assertive behavior (“I lose, you win”–passive, indirect, avoidance); aggressive behavior.”I win, you lose”–dominating, controlling, selfish); and assertive (“win-win”-caring, calm, understanding, diplomatic, honest, but direct and firm behavior). The most successful relationships are assertive-assertive ones.

Tom G. Stevens PhD
You Can Choose To Be Happy:
“Rise Above” Anxiety, Anger, and Depression
http://www.csulb.edu

15 REASONS TO LEAVE YOUR LOVER,

WARNING SIGNS OF AN ABUSIVE PERSONALITY

      Something’s just not right in your relationship, and you can’t put your finger on it. So here’s some help. If your mate is displaying a combination of these behaviors, then you may have a potential batterer on your hands.

      1. A PUSH FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on very strong, claiming, “I’ve never felt loved like this by anyone.” An abuser pressures the woman for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.

      2. JEALOUSY: excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because “you might meet someone”; checks the mileage on your car.

      3. CONTROLLING: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you’re late) about whom you talked to, and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.

      4. UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect woman and meet his every need.

      5. ISOLATION: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of “causing trouble.” The abuser may deprive you of a phone or car or try to prevent you from holding a job.

      6. BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS AND MISTAKES: The boss, you — it’s always someone else’s fault if anything goes wrong.

      7. MAKES EVERYONE ELSE RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS FEELINGS: The abuser says, “You make me angry” instead of, “I am angry” or, “You’re hurting me by not doing what I tell you.” Less obvious is the claim: “You make me happy.”

      8. HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming that his feelings are hurt when he is really mad. He’ll rant about the injustice of things that are just part of life.

      9. CRUELTY TO ANIMALS AND TO CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper) or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.

      10. “PLAYFUL” USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; says he finds the idea of rape exciting.

      11. VERBAL ABUSE: Constantly criticizes you, or says blatantly cruel hurtful things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you up with relentless verbal abuse.

      12. RIGID SEX ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey and remain at home.

      13. SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweetly loving to explosively violent in a matter of minutes.

      14. PAST BATTERING: Admits hitting women in the past, but says they made him do it or the situation brought it on.

      15. THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Makes statements like, “I’ll break your neck,” or ”I’ll kill you,” and then dismisses them with, “Everybody talks that way,” or “I didn’t really mean it.” If he has come this far, it is time to get help, or get out!

It has been an entire year for the little heart. We now receive orders
from as far away as Australia and Scott land. I’ve come along way from the
girl who hid her ostomy to the woman I am today. You can do it too.