June 06, 2010
Power In Relationships
How You Get It; How you Keep it; How You Give It Away
by Robin Stern, Ph.D.
Robin Stern is a licensed psychoanalyst in private practice and the author of The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life. March 19, 2009,
Identify “The Gaslight Effect” ?and take back your reality !
Identify “The Gaslight Effect” and take back your reality !
Published on March 19, 2009
In my book “The Gaslight Effect: how to spot and survive the hidden manipulation others use to control your life”, I describe an imbalance of power in an all too familiar, yet often subtle, kind of power-play in which the more powerful gaslighter attempts to define the reality of a less powerful gaslightee - and the person in the one-down position allows that to happen. As a result, the gaslightee begins to second-guess herself because she has allowed another person to define her reality and erode her judgment. She has given over her power. (I use “she” because that is the pairing I see most often; but, women can be gaslighters too, and men, gaslightees)
I wrote the book because I witnessed this dynamic for years in my private practice, and, among my friends. I saw even the most successful of women, come unglued — not to mention the thousands, if not millions of men, women and children, whose heads are spinning because someone is aggressively challenging their reality.
This dynamic-I call it the Gaslight Tango-occurs in all different types of relationships - at the office, in our friendships, between parents and children, and, between siblings. It is a form of psychological abuse.
The powerful gaslighter (he has power both because he asserts it and because the gaslightee gives it to him!) engages in an ongoing, systematic knocking down of the other, less powerful, person, purposely controlling the relationship by telling the other that there is something wrong with the way she sees the world or there’s something wrong with who she is — and– the gaslightee, by agreeing with him or allowing his perceptions define hers, over time, loses confidence, feels unsure and experiences a growing shakiness of self. Gradually, the gaslightee begins to question what she thought she knew—and gives up the power to stand in her own reality.
Recently, I was giving a talk about gaslighting - many people in the audience had an “aha” experience - then, when I said that there is good news about this destructi
