June 06, 2009
On Relationship and Recovery
Patricia Evans
Bob Adams Inc, 1993
1) ” If you are on an emotional roller coaster, being put down, feeling confused, hurt, thrown off balance, experiencing frequent small shocks, feeling stunned, wondering how you could be hearing what you are hearing, wondering what you could have said or done, feeling isolated, being called names, disparaged or subtly cut to the quick, and you have sought to nurture and understand the relationship - if your experience was negated, the experiences of the women in this book will resonate with you.” page 10 2) “Abusive men _stop at nothing_ to squelch, put down, correct, criticize, belittle, trivialize, snub, sneer at, and, when all else fails, put on displays of rage in order to dominate and control their mates.” page 26 [my emphasis]
3) “Survivors tell us that verbal abuse always lowers self-esteem, no matter how much they may try to ignore it. _The survivors of verbal abuse consistently reported that they came to believe what they were hearing.”_ page 27
4) “These women are living in Reality II (seeking mutuality), and therefore, find the abuse always shocking and incomprehensible. They, like many, tell us that this behavior drives a woman away, eventually, rather than “keeping” her in the relationship - eventually gives her the determination to leave. Abusers do not seem to be able to understand this or to change their behavior when their mates begin to protest. Generally they become more controlling and more abusive when their mates begin to protest.
By saying and doing everything possible to diminish her, the abuser seeks to feel superior to, and in control of, his mate, with the motivation that she becomes so downtrodden and powerless she would not be able to leave him - all the while remaining oblivious to the fact that his behavior may, over time, produce the opposite effect.” pages 30 - 31
5) “People who now recognize their own verbally abusive behavior have said that, until the moment they learned that disparagement of another, angry outbursts, ordering, and put-downs in general were abusive, they never for a moment realized that they were being abusive. They knew what they were saying but, like the rapist or the murderer, were unconcerned with the effects of their behavior. They almost always felt better after abusing.” pages 32-33
6) “We are only beginning to learn about the dynamics of verbally abusive communications. However, with regard to female/male relationships we have already learned a great deal about the issue of control.. . . Whether control is exercised verbally or physically, the dynamics are the same.” page 32
7) “The purpose of controlling behavior is to destroy your partner by depriving her of commonly held resources that are essential to her well-being and sense of integrity.” page 33
Methods of control (pages 33-38)
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- -”If she tells him she is unhappy about the incident, he will usually deny that it happened, discount her feelings, or accuse her of trying to start a fight.”
- -”Controlling her social space by limiting her contacts with friends, for example, saying she’s not home when she is, or by refusing to allow her to invite others over.” -”Controlling her intellectual space by using elaborate arguments to wear her down in a discussion or by interrupting her.”
-”Invading her quiet tine, for example, by talking to her when she wants to be alone.”
-”Invading her privacy, demanding details of her activities, or opening her mail or packages.”
-”Interrupting her sleep.”
-”Pressuring her to have sex.”
- -”. . . by withholding general information and financial information as well as by withholding money, or work which he has promised to do, often by “forgetting” “
- -Sulking -Refusing to talk
-Withdrawing affection
-Strutting and posturing
-Stomping out
-Walking away
-Hitting something
-Kicking something
-Driving recklessly
1. Controlling her time 2. Controlling her space 3. Controlling her material resources 4. Controlling with body language and gestures 5. Controlling by defining her reality 6. Controlling by defining her motivations
7. Controlling by assigning status
9) “Each time he gets her to “back down,” that is, comply and give up trying to reason with him, he believes he has won.” page 39 10) “Anyone who verbally abuses another does so to maintain some form of control over the other and to keep his own feelings of powerlessness under control. The abuser is often so used to relating to his mate in an abusive way that it does not even occur to him that he is being abusive. Some men who are learning how to stop verbally abusing their mates have said that it seems as though disparaging or even cruel comments have become a routine, almost automatic way of behaving.” page 39
11) “The abuser is often so good at control that he can turn his intimidating displays on and off in order to continue to “look good” to the outside world.” page 40
12) Techniques of the Verbal Abuser (pages 40-42)
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- “By withholding, the verbal abuser is saying, I’ve got something you want and I can withhold it from you. Therefore, I am in control. Or, If I don’t respond, if I refuse to answer, I can control the outcome, that is, I can maintain the status quo. I can be sure that there will be no change. I don’t have to ask. I don’t say “no.” I don’t have to say “yes.” I don’t have to be vulnerable. I can stay in control and therefore risk nothing.”
- “By countering his partner, the verbal abuser is saying, I can think for both of us. What you think is wrong. What I think is right. If I can get you to doubt yourself, I can control you more easily. “
- “By discounting his partner’s perceptions, the verbal abuser is saying, I can decree the worthlessness of your perceptions and actions. I am not accountable. I can stay in control.”
- “By telling his partner that the abuse is only a joke, the verbal abuser is saying, I feel so up putting you down that I never want to give it up, so I decree that my comments are humorous - I’m in control. I can say what I want.”
- “By thwarting his partner, the verbal abuser is saying, I do not accept any responsibility to respond to you as a rational person, so I can change the conservation at will -I am in control.”_
- “By blaming his partner for his abuse of her, the verbal abuser is saying, You are to blame for your pain and for everything I say or do to you and for everything that isn’t the way I want it to be , so I do not have to stop my behavior. I’m in control.”
- “By judging and criticizing his partner, the verbal abuser is saying, When I tell you what is wrong with your thoughts and actions, I put myself in charge of you and therefore in control of you.”
- “By pretending that his partner, or her actions or perceptions or opinions or thoughts or concerns, are less than they are, the verbal abuser is saying, When you see how insignificant you are, I will have more power over you.”
- “By undermining his partner, the verbal abuser is saying, When I erode your confidence and lessen your determination, you are easier to control.”
- “With this very obvious means of control, the verbal abuser is saying, I have Power Over you. I am in control. Do as I say. If you don’t, I’ll . . ., or if you don’t, you might get hurt - implying physical harm by a fit of rage or by an unspoken threat like punching the wall.”
- “By calling names, the abuser is saying, You do not exist. You are annihilated, you are now BLANK. Now that you are wiped out, I’m in control, just like in a war.”
- “When the abuser regularly forgets appointments, agreements and/or incidents, he is saying, I’m in control of your time, energy, or reality and I don’t have to be accountable because I’m in control.”
- “With these direct displays of control, the verbal abuser is saying, I have a right to assert Power Over you in an overt act of control. If all the other intimidating behaviors achieved my goal, you will do as I demand.”
- “By denying all of his abusive behavior, the abuser is saying, I can keep everything exactly as it is, with you under my control, and I will not be held accountable.”
- “By being abusively angry, the abuser is saying, As long as I am scary and threatening to you I can have my way.”
1. Withholding 2. Countering 3. Discounting 4. “Joking,” “Teasing” 5. Blocking and diverting 6. Accusing and blaming 7. Judging and criticizing 8. Trivializing 9. Undermining 10. Threatening 11. Name calling 12. Forgetting 13. Ordering and demanding 14. Denial 15. Abusive Anger
13) From letter by R.L., Loveland, Co. (page 50): “He never admitted being wrong, never, ever, apologized.” 14) “Women report a “strangeness” about the communication in their relationship best described as an unreal feeling.” page 52
15) “If she “gives up” or “backs down” because she knows he would never apologize or allow her to explain, or because she thinks he’s crazy, or because she feels sorry for him, or because she thinks he has fears or feelings of inferiority, or because some kind of “win” seems to be important to him - she does so because of her strength.” page 53 [my emphasis]
16) “He wanted not only to control her but also to vent his feelings with impunity. All the while, she believed that he only felt a bit insecure and needed to feel more loved.” page 54
17) “They reasoned that their mates would not feel the need to put them down to feel more important if they, the women, could make the mate feel important. This belief turns out to be false.” page 54
18) “Women often say they see abusers as weak, while their abusers say that they believe they were doing nothing wrong and felt in fact that they were “real men.” ” page 60
19) “Some survivors, while feeling the constant shocks of verbal abuse, were even more shocked as they became more aware of their mate’s reality.” page 60
20) From a letter by T.M., Portland, Me.: “Once you’ve realized he has lied, you can then question the validity of everything he says and has said. And it is that realization that is the first key to gaining your freedom.” page 74
21) “With awakening awareness, women say they feel a release from feelings of incompetence and confusion and guilt. Those who have been in confusing relationships, who have sought answer, who could not pinpoint what gave rise to their feeling that “something is wrong,” experience both the pain and liberation that awareness brings.” page 74
22) Regarding blaming the victim: “For many years women have been devalued simply for being female, and having had their work devalued as well.” page 78
23) “She must come to realize that the abuse has nothing to do with her.” page 78
24) Regarding the blame game:
- “He would wound. She couldn’t say “Stop it” or “That hurts!” If she did, he would either feel blamed, or enticed by her vulnerability to really go after her “like dead meat on a hook.” So instead they agreed that she would say something that suggested she was “gone” to him, defended, behind a wall, like, I’m protected.
He would then apologize to win her back.
She would accept.
The cycle could begin again at any moment.
What this couple had done is take the concept of blame and make her guilty of blaming if she dared let him know he was abusing her. The one thing the abuser wants most is for his partner to take responsibility for his feelings - just as the rapist wants his victim to be blamed for his violence.
Even more astonishing is that in order to reinforce her agreement to endure her pain without flinching or revealing it (other than by saying, “I’m protected”) the woman seemed to believe that is she expressed her pain by crying out, “That hurts!” she would be “being a victim.” This fit nicely with her abuser’s desire to inflict pain without having to hear a complaint.
Thus, the person actually being protected was the abuser.” page 82-83
25) “In order to feel big and powerful, he has to have a “win,” that is, a Power Over fix.” page 83 26) “I believe that the issue here is not so much that some counselors didn’t understand the dynamics of control in a relationship; it is that the culture has sanctioned the control of women to such an extent that a therapist might unwittingly advise a human being already suffering greatly to act like a slave.” pages 84-85
27) “Verbal abuse seems so inhuman, so bizarre to anyone seeking mutuality in a relationship that, no matter how deeply she understands that an abuser abuses because he abuses not because of her, the survivor will almost always find it incredible that any human being would treat another that way.” page 86
28) “When a child is molested or abused, there are not two sides. Similarly, when an adult is verbally abused and threatened, there are not two sides. One person is not attacking and the other counterattacking. On the contrary, one is trying to understand and not upset the other, whose behavior is directed toward maintaining control and dominance with overt or covert attacks.” page 98
29) From a letter by W.A., Fort Wayne, In: “How subtly he stole by soul.”
30) “I mentioned the torment of teasing to a young woman in her early twenties. She told me how awful it seemed and how it was amazing to her that anyone would put up with that sort of thing. A Few minutes later, however, she said that on several occasions recently her boyfriend had said things that made her feel bad, things she didn’t think were funny - and that when she told her mother about this, her mother explained that she was being too sensitive, and that it was just her boyfriend’s sense of humor. In a way she was probably glad to hear that he really did love her after all. Her mother had probably been glad too, when she first heard that she was just “too sensitive.” Hearing this, it was a little easier to squelch the initial pain and go on believing, _It’s not happening.”_ page 100
31) From a letter by C.M., Topeka, Ks.: “No one’s dealt with this terrible diseased painful stripping of human beings. It is in effect like cancer. A major underground epidemic. A systematic disease sometimes in remission, not contagious - but predisposed. It can - often does- kill. It affects one’s health. I testify to this. It robs you of energy, drive, certainty, talent, spirit, and love.” page 102
32) From a letter by G.L., Moorestown, NJ.: “I cannot tell you how emotionally tired I am. I cannot listen to it any more, anywhere, without contempt.” page 102
33) From a letter by M.H., Indianapolis, In: “Never a compliment, never a thank-you, never a sorry, never I was wrong, never forgive me.” page 106
34) From a letter by S.L., Concord, NH: “I believe he is the cruelest man I have ever met. He is a master at verbal abuse.” page 106
Editor’s note: She’s wrong, DEH is the cruelest man alive (or dead).
35) “Survivors often express a feeling of incredulousness about their mate’s behavior because it is so foreign to them.” page 109
36) “This survivor writes of two very important needs, _the need to be safe from her abuser and the need to be validated.”_ page 110
37) Ten Common Traps (pages 113)
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- Victims often feel that “It is equally incomprehensible that the abuse has nothing to do with her.” If she can just explain things right, he’ll see her side. It only gives him more ammunition.
- from a letter by L.D., Loveland, Co: “For the longest time I felt if I just did this or that “things” would be better. Not! He’d just change his method of abuse. Every time I told him he was hurting me _he’d do something worse.”_ [my emphasis]
1. The Explaining Trap 2. The “If You Feel Your Pain, You Are A Victim” Trap 3. The “He Doesn’t Really Mean It so It Shouldn’t Hurt” Trap
4. The “I Should Be Able to Take It” Trap
5. The “Saying ‘I’m Hurt’ Is Blaming” Trap
6. The “Setting a Good Example” Trap
7. The “I Am Responsible” Trap
8. The “He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not” Trap
9. Emotional and Financial Traps
10. Trapped by Beliefs
Notes specifically Christian beliefs that bind two people together forever 38) “Many women experience “being punished” when they bring up their abuse, especially after joint counseling. Usually they suffer a rage attack directed at them by the very spouse who was supposedly going to counseling to improve the relationship.” Some women who were abused by physical violence have said that they feel verbal abuse was worse than physical abuse.” page 122
39) From a letter by H.S., Akron, Oh: “To learn about verbal abuse and control issues, I attended a support group for abused women for over two years. Week after week, women would walk in with broken bones, bruises, cuts. They’d tell about being taken to the hospital emergency room, some more than once.
With woman after woman, I’d ask, “Which was worse in your relationship, the physical abuse of the verbal abuse?”
And without exception the answer was the verbal abuse, “Truly!” ” page 122
40) From a letter by M.B., Dallas, Tx: “I don’t think anyone other than another victim of verbal abuse could totally understand the tremendous damage that is done to a verbally abused person.” page 124
41) From a letter by D.S., Moorestown, NJ: “He’s a leader in the church. Had I known about this side of him I would never have married him. We dated for five years and I did not see the anger. It began after marriage. I was shocked at his language. For some reason, marriage has put him in the mode of controlling and managing me. I’m sick of it and want to be free.” pages 130-131
42) “A man called in on a radio talk show in San Francisco and said he was having some problems with his relationship. And why, “After all,” he said, “I allow her to have quite a few of her opinions .” page 183
[note: those who need a hint - what makes him think he has any right to “allow her to have her own opinion?”]
43) “When people do not see other people as separate from themselves, they are prone to be abusive.” page 186
44) “All verbal abuse is invalidating of another’s personhood. Validation is most easily achieved through common courtesy and respect for the other’s individuality.” page 193
45) “One cannot necessarily get a verbal abuser to recognize his behavior, much less realize its destructiveness.” page 193
46) “If the partner of an abuser leaves the relationship and then comes back thinking he’s changed, the abuser will almost always intensify the abusive behavior. Why? Because from his standpoint, if he’d really had enough control the first time, she wouldn’t have gotten away.” page 194
Recommended book: (page 239)
Evans, Patricia The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond, Holbrook, Ma. Bob Adams, Inc. 1992
Return to Booknotes Menu Sunny here on August 8, 2003.
In the six years, minimum, that I have had Sunshine for Women on-line, I can say without a doubt that this web page generates more reader responses than all of the other web pages at this site combined. Evans’ words resonate with so many women, and some of them write to tell me how grateful and relieved they are to come to understand that there is nothing wrong with them — there is something wrong with their abuser. Many ask for advice. I am not a professional counselor, so I am usually at a loss for words. I have found a web site that might contain information of value to the reader: Growing Beyond Emotional Abuse
My greatest hope is for all of you to find peace and contentment in your lives — don’t let the bastards win. I hope you continue to explore Sunshine for Women and that this page is only the first step in your journey to wholeness and freedom. This site specializes in women who fought back for themselves as women and for others as women. I found much strength in knowing that other women who came before me have fought back and won.
