May 05, 2009
Coming Full Circle
Breaking free from a life of fear
By Leah Humphries
As long as I can remember, I’ve been an artist. The talent comes from my parents. As a little girl, I spent hours coloring and drawing. I later graduated to painting and assembling collages with torn photographs from fashion magazines. It was no shock to my parents that my passion for art would be my focus in college.
In 1990 at 22, I was preparing to graduate with a BA from a local, private Pennsylvania college. I had a portfolio of fine work and my parents’ support and love. This was a time to be thankful for.
Within a matter of months, my life hit the wall… a diagnosis of Crohn’s disease and a big change in my “life plans.” It’s hard enough to embark on your own in your twenties without the pain and embarrassment of an inflammatory bowel disease.
I had been dating a boy for a number of months and it had become a steady relationship. He was there for me during the sickness and the anger that seemed to ravage my body and soul. At one point, after intensive drug therapy, my doctor lovingly passed me off to a prominent colorectal surgeon.
When I heard “ostomy,” “appliance” and “bodily waste,” I couldn’t believe they were talking about me. I never saw it coming. I sat in the surgeons’ office thinking it was more depressing than a bad lifetime movie! This disease was stealing my life before it began. My boyfriend, always in control of things, listened to me cry and voice worry about my pending surgery to “ruin my beautiful body.”
During dinner one night, my boyfriend surprisingly proposed marriage. I looked into the velvet box he pulled from his breast pocket – “he still wants me even though I’m going to be wearing a “bag” of yuck.” At that moment, while looking at the beautiful ring he’d chosen, I made the biggest mistake of my young life, I whispered yes, I’ll be your wife.
I said yes not because I knew he was the one and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, but because I feared no one else would want me with an ostomy. I made a major decision based on my fear of having an ostomy. I would soon find out there are much worse things in life than having an ostomy.
Eighteen months after surgery, I was looking down the isle of a candle-lit church. It was my wedding day and I held onto my dad’s arm feeling very scared inside. Part of me knew this was very wrong. “This is not cold feet,” said a voice in my head. I kept my eyes fixed toward the alter. There were 150 people looking at me. I had the big expensive dress, the perfect hair and the perfect smile. I heard the voice again in my ears saying, “Leah, you should run.”
As I walked toward my future husband, I began to cry. I felt fear, regret and a profound sadness I could not understand or explain. I stood there and thought to myself, you have an ostomy Leah, who else will want you now?
I came home to a new house, new life and a new last name. My husband’s father built a house for us as a wedding gift. We were so fortunate to have that kind of life jumpstart. It was like a fairytale, but with definite strings attached. His father was controlling and I quickly saw how this trait had been passed from father to son.
Our first year of marriage was hell. I was still coping with my new ostomy and depression. My husband had no time for my sadness and simply wanted me to focus on making our home perfect and cooking his dinners. This perfectionist behavior caused me great anxiety. I became incapable of making the simplest decisions and constantly second guessed my self.
At one point I began to consider separating from him, even though the idea terrified me. It was then I discovered I was pregnant with my Son. At five months pregnant, our escalating arguments grew worse and he begrudgingly agreed on marriage counseling. The therapist must have hit a nerve because my spouse flew into a rage and walked out. Any love I had for him was snuffed out like a used-up cigarette.
In September of ‘97 the love of my life was born. Alexander Thomas was perfect in everyway. I didn’t care any more about pleasing my “perfect” husband. I closed down in a final attempt to protect what was left of my mind and soul.
In 2005, I left my home in the middle of the night and never returned. I woke my sleeping boy, grabbed a small bag of clothes and my little dog and left. I shook so hard I could hardly drive. I finally broke free from my prison in the suburbs. I filed an order of protection against my husband and hired an attorney to represent me in divorce proceedings.
Within months, I found freelance graphic design work to cover the bills. I met an incredible guy and soon realized I would need to share my little ostomy secret with him. It was a very strange feeling to learn to trust again while adding the element of “I have an ostomy” to complicate the matter. To my relief and great joy, he was an absolute angel about my ostomy. I realized I needed to begin the process of really getting on with life.
I created a small, heart-shaped pouch cover that I wore during intimacy. My special guy encouraged me to look into the possibility of other women benefiting from this little “invention.” I actual had thought about marketing and selling the covers. With his support, my Heart Ties™ became available to women with ostomies everywhere!
I knew I couldn’t represent the company as an advocate while keeping my ostomy a secret. It was a massive turning point in my life to “come out of the ostomy closet.” It didn’t happen over night. I’ve worked hard to be able to talk publicly about my ostomy. It’s a relief to hang up the shame and be set free.
It’s been three years and five months since I walked out that night and it took three years to overcome the deep-rooted fear. The decision changed the course of my life. I have lived more completely in the last three years than the entire 15 years with my ex-husband.
I’ve undergone extensive therapy to understand how I became the wife of an abuser. Emotional and verbal abuse is abuse and it’s a dirty little secret in many marriages across our country. It crosses all races, educational degrees and income levels.
There are so many women with ostomies who need to beware of the pitfalls of “ostomy based” decision-making. When you make decisions based in fear, how can the outcome be positive? My marriage was based on fear. Initially, I feared not being wanted due to my ostomy. Ultimately, I feared the man I married and the emotionally draining process of breaking free of him.
I re-married this past January to Roland, the love of a lifetime. He never batted an eye at the whole ostomy thing and it made me wonder why I took so long to “get over it” too. I love him so completely. He emulates goodness and kindness with every word and action. If there is such a thing as a prince charming, he is it.
Today, my life has come full circle. The girl who was afraid no longer fears those old demons. I’ve learned to be a powerful and strong mom who takes things on with a positive attitude. I am smart, creative, talented and moving forward in my life but it took me 40 years to get here. I will no longer make decisions based on fear because of my ostomy.
In addition to My Heart Ties Leah keeps quite busy as the president of two additional businesses. Apple Creative Group. A marketing, design and print procurement firm
And Leah Elizabeth Jewelry, a beautiful and unusual collection of jewelry created by Leah using semiprecious gemstones with an organic yet modern flair.
Please visit her websites for more information.
(www.myheartties.com
(www.applecreativegroup.com
(www.leahelizabethjewelry.com)
