August 08, 2008
THOUGHTS and ACTIONS TO OVERCOME FEARS OF REJECTION
and INCREASE CHANCES FOR A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP
by Tom G. Stevens PhD
You Can Choose To Be Happy:
“Rise Above” Anxiety, Anger, and Depression
for more info go to his website at:http://www.csulb.edu
HAPPINESS RULE
Try following the happiness rule: Seek out people who can contribute most to your overall happiness and support your being the person you want to be. Many of these people will be similar to the type of person you really want to be. Avoid spending too much time with people who take away from being that kind of person.
SELF-SELECTING RULE
Follow the self-selecting rule: Be the person you really want AND tell others your true inner feelings and thoughts more assertively. Even though you may fear that others may not like who you really are and reject you, that is good. Being open separates those people who are “right” for closer relationships from those who are not. For example, if you meet Sally (who is not potentially a close friend) and hide who you really are from her, it may take her a long time to find out what you are really like and reject you. In this case you have both wasted a lot of time. If you present yourself honestly and openly from the beginning, you will attract or repel people much faster. This saves a lot of time.
Incidentally, a bonus of this approach is that most people prefer honesty and the self-love and self-confidence that openness reveals, so you may be more appealing to more people.
GIVING WITHOUT EXPECTING ANYTHING IN RETURN
Focus on your actions not their reactions. An important lesson about anxiety is that when we focus on external outcomes that are beyond our immediate control, we give up control of our emotions and will begin to feel anxious and helpless. The same is true in meeting people, approaching people, talking to people, trying to help people, trying to entertain people, etc. If you focus on their evaluation or approval of you, spending time with you, giving back to you, or any other reaction outside your control, you increase your anxiety and helplessness.
Therefore, focus on approaching people, being friendly, your talking and listening, your openness and honesty, your assertiveness, and your thinking positive thoughts. You can control what you think and do. The result will be that you are setting attainable goals that you have control over. Knowing that can give you peace.
In the long run, you may not want invest much energy in a relationship if you do not receive enough of what you want. However, in the short run, focus on your actions as ends in themselves to “practice your act” and be the kind of person in a relationship that you want to be. Eventually others will respond positively as you get better at it and as you approach the right people.
Also, say this to yourself, “My gift recipients have the freedom to do whatever they want with my gifts (my attention, help, etc.)–since it is now theirs.” It is OK for them to reject the gifts and you can still feel good because you gave in the spirit of true unconditional, non-demanding love.
INVITATIONS AS GIFTS
Do you ever feel anxiety about inviting someone to do something with you? If so, try viewing your invitation as a gift in the spirit just discussed above. It is a gift in two ways: (1) it is a compliment to the other person that you care enough about them and find them attractive enough to give the invitation and (2) your time is a gift which is offered to them. Thus even if they reject the offer to spend time together, they still have received the gift of the compliment. Accordingly, start stating your invitations more as compliments.” EXAMPLE: “Mark, I’ve really enjoyed talking with you, I would really like for us to get together again soon.” This is a very effective and efficient way to give an invitation.
ASSERTION TRAINING
Learn the difference between non-assertive behavior (“I lose, you win”–passive, indirect, avoidance); aggressive behavior.”I win, you lose”–dominating, controlling, selfish); and assertive (“win-win”-caring, calm, understanding, diplomatic, honest, but direct and firm behavior). The most successful relationships are assertive-assertive ones.
Tom G. Stevens PhD
You Can Choose To Be Happy:
“Rise Above” Anxiety, Anger, and Depression
http://www.csulb.edu
